Is ‘Miserable Cat Lady’ an Appropriate Headline? Let’s Try, “Thriving Dog Lady”. Yup, I Like That Better.
By Mel Hower
“What was the point of getting married if you don’t want kids?”
“But you’ll love your own children”
“You won’t be doing it alone”
“Being a parent is the greatest joy in life”
“You’ll never know what love is unless you have kids”
“But you would make such good parents”...
These are responses I’ve gotten from simply stating I don’t want children. These responses are examples of how childless women are often invalidated. By sharing something personal to me, it’s suggested that I’m wrong to feel this way. That I would live a better life than the one I simply want to live.
Let me take you back in time to when I was a child in the 90’s. I’d have baby dolls and play with them. Except I wasn’t ever their “mommy”,
I would pretend I was their teacher or their doctor.
I’d wrap them in bandages, pretend to listen to their heart with my fake stethoscope, or I’d place them all against the wall and pretend they were a classroom of kids I was teaching. When I would play house with my cousins, I would usually pretend I was the sister in the family instead of the mom. Actually quite funny looking back and realizing that maybe I always knew I didn’t want children.
In 2018 I married the most awesome guy on the planet, my husband, Danny. From the start, we had very similar values and starting a family wasn’t really one of them. We always said that we could never see ourselves trying for kids, but if we got pregnant by accident, then maybe it’d be meant to be. As we got older and started to love our life together even more, we didn’t feel like adding children to our lives would enhance it. In fact, we felt like we had everything we wanted! Good careers, a house in our favorite small town, and 2 dogs with big personalities. And while I thought it was obvious to others how happy we were, that never seemed good enough for some people in our life.
I started to dread going to friend or family gatherings because the “you’re next!” comments and “when are you two having kids?” questions would happen again…and again… and again… and again. I remember one particular session with my therapist where I cried and told her I wish I was infertile just to have an excuse to not have kids. That’s right… I wished I had fertility issues- something most women would probably hate me for wishing. But I wished this because to me, it would be easier to tell people I was infertile than to tell them I just didn’t want kids. At the very least that would put a stop to the constant questions and comments.
I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times where I wish I wanted kids. I always felt like an outcast because my friends were excited to start families and I felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting that. I absolutely love my friend’s kids. And I also absolutely love being able to leave them with their parents to go home to a peaceful house! In my eyes, that’s the best of both worlds.
All of this to say… if you choose to not have children, that is your choice. YOURS. No one else’s. I’ve gotten better at ignoring the questions and comments, but every so often I find myself being bothered by it again because I’m a human with real human emotions.
Just a kind reminder, please never assume women share the same values of wanting to start a family.
Please never ask the “when” questions. And honestly, maybe just never ask the questions at all? Wanting children (or not) is such a personal, intimate decision. My hope for society is that we change the norm, the expectations, and the assumptions. Simply put… mind your business :)
