Consumerism in dating
As a woman in her late 20’s who is still single, dating has become one of my biggest conversation topics amongst friends and family alike.
“Are you seeing anyone right now?”
“Been on any good dates lately?”
“Matched with anyone cute recently?”
“How’re the dating apps treating you?”
Are all very fun questions that I, fortunately and unfortunately get asked frequently. At this point, end of summer 2024, I haven’t been dating as much as previous summers. I focused my time this summer on self reflection, time alone, traveling, family and friends. It has been very rewarding in some ways and very lonely in others. I’ve spent more nights than I can count this summer wondering how dating has changed in the last (roughly) 10 years since I left high school, and in the last 30 years since my parents were in their “golden” age of dating.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking recently on the advancement of technology in just my lifetime alone. My first phone was a pay per minute/pay per text phone. Now I dream of a life without an iPhone constantly attached to my hand. As much as I love being a chronically online girlie, there are some downsides to the advancements we’ve made. A large one, I am beginning to gather, is the way dating culture has changed since the 2010s.
Tinder was launched in 2012. Innovative, it was so cool to imagine finding single people around you. Not quite the “casual” app that it is today, but for dating. The “swiping” we know today, started officially in 2013, and by 2014 had taken off. I remember being a junior/senior in high school, having an iPhone, and being able to use Tinder. Their first versions of the app allowed users as young as thirteen to be on the app. Users between thirteen and seventeen could match with other users in their age range. I thought it was the coolest thing, being able to match with other highschoolers from different schools. What also came with that, unfortunately, was men who would lie about their age and swipe on underage girls. But that’s another part of the story we’ll get into another time, I’m sure. But with this app coming out, it just seemed fun, lighthearted, exciting. What 17 year old girl didn’t enjoy dating and didn’t enjoy a little attention in the prime era of Tumblr/Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat?
Fast forward a few years, I’m still swiping. There’s new apps being added into the rotation. Bumble is added. Mutual, an LDS (Mormon) dating app is added. Hinge is eventually added. I never went to college, so these were my favorite ways to try and meet people. In my early 20’s I wasn’t opposed to fraternizing in the workplace, but it wasn’t my ideal place to try and find relationships because of how easily things could become messy if they didn’t work. Looking back now, as an almost 28 year old woman, what sort of long term effects did swiping for the last 10 years have on my brain? Have on my views of dating? My views on men? My views on relationships?
A big reason dating apps are so successful is that there’s so many choices. But in real life, isn’t that what overwhelms us sometimes? I can’t count how many times I’ve decided not to eat, or just eat another cheese sandwich instead of determining what to do for dinner, because I’m overloaded with choices when it comes down to the decision of just “What do I want to eat for dinner tonight?” Living in one of the largest cities in the United States, I could sit on an app and swipe for hours and never run out of people in the age range 27-35. Mindless. Not considering that the men on the other side of the screen have personalities, lives, hobbies, ambitions (okay maybe not all of them.) So I can imagine that it's a similar sense, coming from the otherside as well.
There’s been some studies done in recent years talking about the potential adverse effects of dating apps on young adults' brains. Overall feelings of rejection, been there. Dating app addiction, check. Self esteem issues, I don’t think this is solely because of dating apps, but it definitely doesn’t help! Difficulties forming in person relationships, not really my struggle but I’ve experienced it from dates first hand. My biggest take from dating apps recently is consumer culture being directly correlated to how we view relationships.
Consumer culture has taken a huge turn in the age of influencers and social media. We’ve always been a country big on brands and having nice new things, but in recent years I would say that it has changed and become more drastic than ever before. Social media has made it to where even children are hyper focused on spending money, having the best things. I can say that every 2 years like clockwork I get a new iPhone. I buy new shoes before I’ve even begun to wear holes in any old pairs I have. Buy new makeup before I’ve hit the pot in anything I have. If there’s a new product, I want to try it. And while underconsumption is the latest trend, having the newest trendiest thing has been such a focus for so long, I think that’s how we view dating as well.
With a disposable amount of options, if one date isn’t the best first date we’ve ever been on, why keep trying? If there’s issues in a relationship (not serious like abuse/cheating, obviously) why bother to fix them, when we could end the relationship that day and have a date lined up for that night? In a culture that promotes promiscuity, freedom, self love and the idea that we “don’t owe anyone anything”, I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. We’ve created an environment that’s almost incapable of creating loving, lasting relationships. It isn’t impossible, there’s outliers, but how many friends do you have that are working professionals that are single? Good looking men and women who are unable to keep a relationship? How many of us have been in the 3 month “situationships” from hell that keep us guessing on how serious we are, just to end up being “casual” the whole time? Meeting each other’s family, is it casual now?? (Thanks, Chappell Roan.)
I’m not innocent of this mindset. Taking a break from dating apps for a summer has started to help me realize how weirdly perverse our dating culture is compared to before. Meeting people organically is almost not an option at this point. Approached in a grocery store? At a Target? No thank you, my anxiety could never. But when you consider that dating apps literally function because we stay single, stay swiping…what is the other option? (I’m single, btw.)
Companies have started to profit off our feelings, our relationships (or lack thereof) and our inability to connect with each other. C*vid didn’t help our cases at all, but now we’re in this weird limbo stage where, if not dating apps, where are we meeting other singles? “Designed to be deleted”, but if we delete their app, how are they going to keep making money? We’ve become another method for people to profit, and our unhappiness doesn’t matter if they’re making money off it. They’re relying on our need to fill a void with something better and new. Apps are hoping that we continue to view each other as profiles and empty pages, instead of other human beings. Just like all things in life, when we start to connect and work towards love and a common goal, it shifts and doesn’t work in favor of large corporations.